


I've Seen Decay (Give Way to Growth)

by iktwabrokenbone (apiculteur)



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Depression, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, a bunch of shit basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 19:05:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4972780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiculteur/pseuds/iktwabrokenbone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Maybe we’ll meet again, when we’re slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Seen Decay (Give Way to Growth)

**Author's Note:**

> based off that quote in the summary ((shock horror who woulda guessed that we thought the fic was gonna be entirely irrelevant to the quote)) and also [this sooong](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u32Tvnv312E) which is perfect???
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: check the tags fam, ily all n u better keep ya self safe n not read shit which might trigger u. better safe than sorry. also not rly a trigger but i use weird ass descriptions for depression n suicidal thoughts which might be kinda gross?? idk man i feel like u should kno that

Street lights on an autumn night made Josh's skin look like it was tinged green, and sometimes Tyler wondered if he was an alien. His breaths sent mist floating into the air, like smoke for Tyler to choke on. His hands were cold, sweet with residue from a caramel apple, and the fireworks burning the sky were surely in Tyler's stomach, too. His hands were almost burnt by the cheap hot chocolate, and drinks always tasted better second-hand on Josh's tongue.

Tyler was an addictive person. He loved extensively and obsessively, and he had felt something like this before. He had felt something like this as a kid, when he collected stickers and covered the frame of his bed in them. It lasted until they started to peel and they were more fun to pick off than collect. He felt it when he used to play basketball, and he would do nothing but practice every night, would watch all the games. It lasted until he decided he didn't like his throat being sore from cheering and lungs aching from running. He had felt this when he had started watching Game of Thrones, and watched every single episode religiously and repeatedly. It lasted until he was up to date and the next season wasn't out for months.

Tyler fell in love, exhausted his love, then was swirled away by something new. It only hurt him when he noticed his loss, usually months after he stopped caring about whatever it was.

Love for another _person_  wasn't something he had felt before- not like this, not romantic- and, at the time, he thought it would be different. He thought being in love would be just the same as friendship.

Wrong. If only someone had told him, maybe he would have been saved some pain.

No. Tyler tumbled into love with Josh, only weeks after meeting him. His kisses were deep, his grip firm, and his promises of love, of forever, were constant. Attention was something Tyler craved, was ashamed of himself for needing quite so desperately. He couldn't help it.

He hated himself. He hated himself, and he got numb, and he got sick of this. Of everything. He had times when he needed to be alone, or when he attempted to alienate his friends 'for their own good'. Even when he did it with good intentions, trying to stop himself burdening them, he knew it was wrong.

Shouting at them for nothing, insulting them in feeble endeavours to free them of himself- it wouldn't work. They loved him too much for that, even if he wasn't a good or healthy person.

Josh didn't deserve what he got. Tyler didn't either.

It wasn't that Tyler did to Josh what he did his friends; he was too selfish for that. No, it didn't matter how much he hated himself, he loved Josh even more. It wasn't anything intentional with Josh, he didn't _try_ to hurt him. It was just like trying to fix a broken machine by adding some extra broken parts. It didn't address the problems, only weighed it down and gave an illusion of productivity.

There were times when Tyler wanted to die. There were times when he seeped with black blood from every pore, toxic waste killing the plants and people around him. There were times when he wasn't a good person to talk to, and Josh had to deal with that, had to try plug up his toxic wounds with whatever dirty rags there were lying around, and it would never help. It could never help.

They didn't know this, not then. Then, it was all they had, and at least there were times when they were happy together. They got along, they really did, but it wasn't right.

Tyler told Josh he wanted to die, on a metal park bench before dusk, the seat damp and his hands shaking as he said the words. It was a whisper, not wanting to ruin the sunset that they would soon see. It was true. More than anything, Tyler wanted to die sometimes. Other times, he loved being alive, appreciated every little thing, enjoyed what he had.

At that moment, he wanted to die, and Josh's knee bounced. He was pale, as if ill, and he stuttered.

"Oh," he said back, and Tyler frowned. It wasn't much of a response, not from someone who claimed to be in love with him. "I'm here for you." Cliché. Forced.

Tyler left before the sun rose, and Josh murmured an apology as he shook, arms wrapped around himself.

Tyler wanted to hate Josh when they broke up, only hours after saccharine kisses shared in front of a bonfire. Josh was wearing skeleton gloves, mapping out the bones beneath his clothes and skin. Venus carved heartbreak into Tyler's ribs as he stared at Josh's hands.

"Why?" he asked, stood stiff.

"I can't," he whispered, shaking his head, hands twitching. "Can- can we still be friends?"

"Yes." No, no they couldn't. Tyler wanted to be friends with him, but how could he go back to that after he had had it all, friendship and romance and sex?

The tears in Josh's eyes- _you're breaking up with me, you have no right to cry, stop hurting, I want to hurt_ \- told Tyler he understood.

"Okay," Josh said.

Tyler looked for a bin to throw his hot chocolate in, settling on dropping it on the floor when the closest was too far away. It splashed onto his shoes, and he walked away.

When he got home, he blocked Josh on everything he could think of. _Stay away, stay away, I don't need or want you anymore_. It was lies, lies, lies, and everyone who knew Tyler at all could tell.

***

As an adult, Tyler was a calmer, less pained person. Sure, he was still sometimes depressed, but it wasn't the same. He didn't try smoke out his friends, resenting them when they didn't leave, he tended to retreat or seek help, which ever he needed. Healthy, almost.

He walked into a man with red hair and tattoos and it was like he was back three years ago, seeing the man he supposedly both loved and hated. Now, Tyler wasn't sure either of those things were true.

"Josh?" he asked, met by just as much shock from the other man. "Your hair is red." It suited him more than the brown had, but it still made Tyler squirm.

Gosh, he must have changed. He looked stronger, emotionally and physically. He wasn't shaking like he used to, and his bare arms looked muscled. Instead of a tee and old jeans, he was wearing a black and white dress over leggings. Now, his ears had gauges, and he did not look like the boy Tyler had known so long ago.

"Yeah, it's... red, yeah," Josh said, studying Tyler. There was the same realisation clear in his eyes, and he looked just as unsure about what it should make him feel. Tyler didn't know if he should hurt or feel relieved. Josh looked so much healthier and happier, but looking back on someone you once knew, maybe loved, and being so cripplingly aware that you now know nothing of them? It hurt.

Silence had carried Tyler into his thoughts, and Josh reeled him back by giving him a word to cling onto. "Sorry," he said.

Tyler shook his head. " _I'm_  sorry, I was too much for you, I know I was. We were unhealthy for each other, and I miss you, but we just. Couldn't go on like that."

"You were too much, but I wasn't enough. I couldn't be there."

Tyler wanted to deny it, but Josh stopped him.

"Look, we're different now. I'm not saying we should get back together, but it would be cool to see what's happened with you. It's weird not knowing you anymore," Josh said, and he was right about that, at least.

Despite their clashing hearts and minds, they knew each other. They told each other almost everything, and that person just no longer being around had taken its toll on Tyler. He had been given time to heal now, but thinking back on the months both during and after their relationship hurt.

"Yeah. Yeah, what about coffee? I gotta go back to work in a little while, but here's my number. Call me when you're free," he suggested.

Josh smiled, and it looked so much realer, less stretched and tense, than any smile Tyler had seen during their relationship.

***

Josh still liked X-Files and drums and cats. He no longer liked watching car racing, wrinkled his nose at the memory of loving it. He no longer listened to the punk bands Tyler associated him with, but now he listened to most genres of music. He had left his band and wanted to start a new one.

These days, even the way he spoke was different. He had stopped saying 'rad' and started saying 'sick'. He didn't turn his face into his shoulder when he laughed. He was different, so different, and if they were to be friends, Tyler would have to relearn him all over again. Tyler wanted to, truly did.

Years ago, Tyler had been too fierce in his love for Josh, had loved him like an addict, not enough like a friend or boyfriend. Tyler had changed, too, and he wanted to know Josh, whether it was as a friend or boyfriend.

"I'm not saying we should date again, but we've changed. We're almost different people now. I wanna get to know you again, if you're okay with that," Tyler said.

Josh had a fond smile on his face. "Yeah, I'd like that."

His toxic teenage years were dead. He was ready to start over, without so much pain or so many mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> sry for my absence??? been busy w school and phandom big bang ((another fandom n it isnt finished yet but i want to be remembered for that its gonna be so good n im posting on the 24th over on [lolester](http://lolester.tumblr.com/) btw if y'all ship phan???))


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